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Police Investigator injured after sexing farmer’s wife

The Tharaka South District Criminal Investigation Officer (DCIO) Peter Migisi is admitted at the Meru Level Five Hospital with serious panga injuries after he was allegedly caught having sex with a farmer’s wife.

According to an eye witness the senior police officer was slashed with a panga by the farmer when he found them in his house at Marimanti Town which is also the district headquarters.

Mingisi sustained serious injuries with deep cuts in the head, arms, neck and shoulders.

The eye witness further explained that the farmer had positioned people to spy on his wife Ciciliana Kagendo and when he was informed that they were seen entering his house he delayed and then sprung into action slushing the two with his panga.

According to an eye witnesses, Migisi had gone into the man’s house in Marimanti market and was found in bed with the wife who is also nursing several cut injuries at the same hospital.

The farmer who is a father of three was also accompanied by two other men who assisted him in slashing the couple during the 10.pm incidence.

“The policeman and the woman were rescued from further slashing by neighbors who responded to their distress call”, said the eye witness.

The woman sells coffee and French fries in Marimanti town until night time where he enters entertainment joints and its believed they had met with the police officer before.

However according to the area OCPD Patrick Wambani, the farmer who is a resident of Ruiri in the neighboring Meru County had persistently trailed her on several occasions.

Wambani said the officer did not know whether Kagendo was someone’s wife because she had lived apart with his husband for long.

He said he had assigned several police officers duties to maintain safety in the area and most of them owing to the festive season had a lot of entertainment and some ended up in love affairs.

“We had a lot of entertainment. Many men and ladies were out enjoying themselves and no one could tell who is whose wife,” said Wambani.

He said police are still searching for the man and they believe he has escaped out of the town and gone into hiding.

African Parents’ Handbook

“So what are you saying…?”

INTELLIGENCE

There is an issue that most African parents shy away from discussing. It puts fear into our souls and strikes at the very root of how we see ourselves as a continent.

Stupidity.

Not arrogance, or stubbornness or simple ignorant lack of education. Actual double-digit stupidity.

What if your child is not lazy, or misbehaving? What if your child actually lacks any kind of common sense or intellectual capacity? To use an American phrase: what if your child is a dumbass?

If you suspect that your child might be a dumbass, do not panic. Firstly, you must investigate. Follow the correct scientific methodology to eliminate all other possibilities before you accept the conclusion that your child is a dumbass.

Hypothesis: my child might be ‘less able’ (British word for dumbass). Run a series of experiments that will either prove or disprove this hypothesis.

Experiment one: exam paper.

1) Request a test paper from your child’s school, one that is suitable for his or her age group. Administer the test, and then either mark it yourself or hire a tutor to mark it for you.

2) If the test is average for the age, then your child is lazy, and must be beaten. Ensure that the child understands that it was their failure to achieve better than their colleagues at school that resulted in this beating.

3) If the test is higher than average, then your child did not apply him/herself at school. Beat the child for not doing their best at school. Show a small amount of approval for the decent test score. This way the child knows that a small amount of approval will result from good marks at school, while a great amount of beatings will result from not getting good marks.

4) If the test is below average, beat your child thoroughly. Then administer another test. If it is still below average, beat them again.

5) We recommend repeating this process at least fifteen times. If they are still below average after fifteen rounds of beatings, then you can safely conclude that your child is a dumbass.

However, this is not a total disaster. If you remember our example of the private school system and election of Bush Junior, then you should know that being a dumbass will not necessarily be a bar to your child’s success. It’s just that the success will be very, very expensive to achieve.

If you cannot afford private (or public) schools, a tutor is a cheap and effective way of temporarily boosting your child’s achievement. Always hire postgraduate students, as they are more desperate for the money and will inadvertently expose your child to complex ideas at no extra cost.

Experiment 2: pain avoidance.

Your child may be an academic dumbass, but that does not mean they lack intelligence. Sometimes natural intellect shows itself in ways other than the traditional ability to take tests.

The pain avoidance experiment is a good way to determine whether or not your child possesses those ‘street smarts.’

1) In this experiment you will be punishing your child for an arbitrary behaviour or set of behaviours. You cannot tell your child why they are being punished. The point of the experiment is to see how long it takes them to work it out for themselves.

2) Make sure you choose a behaviour that will occur at least once every few days. For the best possible results, choose a behaviour that might occur everyday. Here are some of our examples of behaviours to punish:

a) asking for pocket money

b) asking for sweets/crisps/chocolate/non-African food

c) not cleaning their room

d) not cleaning your room

e) not doing homework

f) not having homework (they really should be asking for extra homework from school)

g) having friends that you disapprove of

h) having friends with parents that you disapprove of

i) having an opinion that is contrary to yours (you may punish them for expressing any kind of opinion)

j) not washing the dishes

k) not washing the dishes properly

l) smiling too much or laughing in the house

You may have some ideas of your own, feel free to implement them. The key to this experiment is to consistently punish the child every time that behaviour manifests.

3) If your child stops that behaviour within two days, add another behaviour to the list. Keep adding them for at least week. If your child is avoiding all those behaviours that result in punishment, then congratulations. Your child is at least as intelligent as a chimpanzee.

If, however, after two weeks your child still has not worked out which behaviours are resulting in their beating, then it will be safe to assume that your child is less intelligent than a chimpanzee; properly more on par with a mildly concussed German Shepherd (the breed of dog, not the nationality and occupation).

If your child fails experiment number 2, then you must invest in a private education. Unfortunately, with such a lack of common sense and no basic survival instincts, your child will need to also develop a complete lack of conscience and morality.

Fortunately, the combination of stupidity, low self-esteem and absolutely no moral compass would make your child a perfect fit for the following occupations: speculative banker, oil merchant, deputy head of a south Wales Secondary School, manager for a sub-prime lender, pastor of an inner city church, pastor of a suburban church, head of an English Department in a failing school, any high political office that comes with a speech-writer and image consultant.

Napoleon Bonaparte (a role model for any African) claimed: “In politics stupidity is not a handicap.” He may well have been talking about your child.

Seun Babs

The Bullet Pen

African Village Comedians Cracking ribs or Skulls.

Watch this, but don’t get it wrong. The African sense of comedy is different at times from the Western sense of humour. Here the comedians are acting out, a witch doctor practicing his craft with extreme gusto. He wants the sick person to get well but the patient must not be stubborn, he must be willing to take the therapy, flour sprinkles on the head etc etc. 

Republicans Accuse Obama of Using Position as President to Lead Country

obama-desk-465.jpg

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)

Responding to reports that President Obama is considering signing as many as nineteen executive orders on gun control, Republicans in Congress unleashed a blistering attack on him today, accusing Mr. Obama of “cynically and systematically using his position as President to lead the country.”

Spearheading the offensive was Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas), who charged the President with the “wanton exploitation of powers that are legally granted to him under the U.S. Constitution.”

Calling him the “Law Professor-in-Chief,” Rep. Stockman accused Mr. Obama of “manipulating a little-known section of the Constitution,” Article II, which outlines the power of the President.

“President Obama looks down the list of all of the powers that are legally his and he’s like a kid in a candy store,” Rep. Stockman said. “It’s nauseating.”

The Texas congressman said that if Mr. Obama persists in executing the office of the Presidency as defined by the Constitution, he could face “impeachment and/or deportation.”

Noting that the President has not yet signed the executive orders on gun control, Rep. Stockman said that he hoped his stern words would serve as a wake-up call to Mr. Obama: “Mr. President, there’s still time for you to get in line. But if you continue to fulfill the duties of President of the United States that are expressly permitted in the Constitution, you are playing with fire.”

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